i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
