Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
