Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
