I think my vagina is haunted
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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