i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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