I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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