I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
