Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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