someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
