I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I pour the whiskey from now on
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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