Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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