I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
