I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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