So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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