Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
