i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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