Your face is a jimmy john
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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