the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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