look no pants
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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