I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
