listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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