Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
