I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
