I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
