"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
