He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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