Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
