i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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