Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you would pick up someone in the library
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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