my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
