So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Barsexuality is the new black.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Randomize
