My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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