remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
