cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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