well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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