Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I looked at my own cervix.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
