overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
