fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
