You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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