It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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