he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
