I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
