I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
honey bunches of taint.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
This house was built for laser tag.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
