how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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