My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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