I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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