four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
