I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I deserve this hangover.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
