drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize