When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
