I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Randomize