Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
