I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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