new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He better not be in your backpack
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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