and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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