I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
