I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
