Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
