I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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