Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
