i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
