Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
