Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
